Here is one problem that parents have with their children that keeps on coming up. I would like to address that right now and give you a handle on what to do about it:

My teen is 13 years old. I want to know how to make him stop arguing and yelling at me when I speak to him or ask him to do something. I want him to obey me when he is told to do something. –Cindy

I have a 13 yr old son w/ ADD. I want him to stop picking on his 8 y o sister. –Janet

I have 2 daughters of 15 and 13 years. They hate each other and are jealous all the time:
- They are fighting all time
- They both are very good students and nice girls, but can’t be together. –Nuria

Get ADHD and ODD Child Behavior Help for children 2-11

I am really interested in the teen program. I have a 13 1/2 yr. old boy and an 8 yr. old boy. I would like help with sibling rivalry. –Brandy Varni

The problem with sibling rivalry is that it is not really a problem. Sibling rivalry is normal. It is something that happens in every society, in all cultures, and it has occurred since the dawn of man.

Since sibling rivalry is a normal part of human development it is hard to ‘treat’ it. I feel the best thing you can do is to understand why it is there, how it can benefit your children, and the things that you can do to minimize it.

I wrote about sibling rivalry at great length before. The URL of the article is at: http://ccparenting.com/parenting/86

But there is one idea, which I did not mention in the article, that I would like to share with you. This is something you can do with your children that will minimize, if not eliminate the problem of sibling rivalry in your home.

Here is the basic principle:

The best way to establish peace within any group of individuals where there is ongoing discord is to get the members involved in a project with a desirable goal and which can only be achieved if they work together. That means that if you can continually devise ways that your children need to work together to achieve a common goal, they will be much less likely to fight among themselves and they will actually begin to like each other.

Here are examples of situations you can create:

Plan a trip to somewhere that your children want to go. Then ‘discover’ that your car battery is dead and that your children have to push the car to get it moving so that you can get it started. (Note: this will not work if your car has an automatic transmission.)

Have a ‘break’ in your water supply. Send your kids to the neighbors with buckets to get water.

Plan a family picnic or barbeque, but at the last minute have something come up. Tell your kids that unless they want to cancel, they will have to go to the market to buy and then prepare the food for the family.

Rent canoes and have you and your spouse in one and the battling children in the other. You might even try a race (as long as you let them win).

Any activity that your battling children will want to do, but will require their joint cooperation in order to do it, will reduce sibling rivalry. The scenarios should not appear engineered by you.

You will also need to do this a lot. Sibling rivalry is natural and it runs deep. This will not be a quick fix. However, if you do this often enough, the sibling rivalry will slowly fade away.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD

P S At this point, for the benefit of everyone I would like your input.

Please comment below with anything that you have tried or any ideas that you have that you and other parents can use to get your children to work together for a common goal.

P P S I want to let you know that I am working on something very special for you.

I don’t want to announce it yet because it’s not ready, but be sure to check your email on Friday.
 

 

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Today we are going to discuss you.

What I mean by that is that I want to discuss you as a parent. Many parents who have an ODD child, or an ADHD child, a defiant teen or just plain difficult children feel very ineffective and helpless.

I want to dispel some of the negative feelings that you might be having.

First, it is important to understand one thing. No child comes to the world completely blank. Children come in with certain personality traits, certain problems, certain skills and certain abilities and that combination makes up your child. Some children are easy to raise, and some children are hard to raise. The general principle is that ODD children, ADHD children, and even some normal children are much more difficult to raise than other children.

You might be getting a lot of negative feedback from people around you about your child’s behavior and your inability to be an effective parent. I would say in that many cases, if not in most cases this is entirely unfair.

Parents who complain about another parent’s parenting skills, do not have the difficult children you have nor do they have the same tests and trials that you have. An ODD child’s behavior with a very, very good parent will be much worse than the behavior of a normal easily controlled child whose parent is not as good.

I will give you a couple of examples of this. We had our children evaluated by the school psychologist. A few years earlier he evaluated my first two children. I remember when he evaluated my third child he came out of his office and said to me “This one is much easier, isn’t he?”

And he was. My third child is a very easy child. My first two children were very difficult. It is not a reflection of my parenting skills. It is the way it was. My children have different basic natures.

Once we were at a family gathering with another family and this same child, who was the easy child, was playing with another child of the same age. They began to get a little wild. The father said to me that this child of his is the wildest child he has.

I told him, “This is my easiest child.”

And, it is true. He has very calm children and I have very wild children. But, again, you cannot compare the two children nor can you compare each of our parenting skills. One thing you have to understand as a parent is that if your child is not behaving properly, if he is ODD or ADHD, it is not a reason not to fix the problem.

You have to get the parenting skills you need to handle your ODD child or ODD teen. You have to get a parenting problem that addresses these issues specifically. If a child is under twelve, you need a specific child behavior program for children under twelve. If he is between twelve and eighteen, you need a teen behavior program that addresses teenage behavior. Each age group needs different techniques and you should not get a program that blends them all together.

You should understand also that if you invest in developing parenting skills for your child and address the problems properly, you are doing your job as a parent to its fullest. You should also accept the child you have.

Your child’s behavior is not a reflection of you or your skill as a parent, provided that you take the proper steps to get the help and advice you need. You should feel very proud of your child and of your ability as a parent if you get your child to improve his behavior even a little bit. It is not an easy task.

If you have a hard child, no one can really blame you for that. If they do it is their problem and not your problem.

Parenting a difficult defiant child or teen doesn’t have to be hard. You just need to know what to do.

For more information on how to handle your ODD child or teen:



If your child is 2-11 go to:

The ODD Child Program



If your child is 12 and older go to:

The ODD Teen Program

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How to Get Your ODD Child or Teen to Cooperate

The most important thing that you can do to get your child to comply with your wishes is to build up your relationship.

Children have a natural desire to please their parents. This is true when they are young and it is also true when they become teenagers. Even adults have a need and desire to gain approval from their parents.

You can use what nature has given you as a way to help your child to do what you ask.

Now, if your child or teen wants so much to have your approval, why is it that he just won’t listen?

The reason is that other factors get in the way. For an ODD child or difficult defiant teen probably the biggest reason they defy adults is that they resent the subordination they feel toward the adult.

They just don’t want to be dominated by anyone and they won’t take orders no matter how much sense it makes and even if it is for their own benefit.

For an ODD child or teen, the issue is who is in control, and almost everything else is secondary.

With such a child, getting them to obey is a major task. You can’t make them do anything. The more you try, the more they will fight you.

So how do you get such a child to listen to you?

You can’t force your ODD child to obey you. But you can get your ODD child to want to obey you.

You do this proactively, by developing and using your relationship.

Developing and strengthening a positive relationship with your child has numerous benefits:

• You will be happier
• Your child will be happier
• You will enjoy your time together much more
• You will reduce the amount of fighting and arguing
• Your child will be much less likely to get into serious trouble.

The key to handling a defiant child or teenager is not discipline or control. It is using your natural relationship created through the parent child bond to get your child or teen to want to comply willingly.

For an easy step-by-step plan to build your relationship with your child and end your child’s difficult behavior forever,

For children 2-11 go to

Child Behavior Help

For children 12 and older

Go to:

Teen Behavior Help

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Why Ignoring Bad Behavior Doesn’t Work

How often have you been told, overlook the bad behavior and focus on the good?

This is great parenting advice. Ignoring your child’s bad behavior makes a lot of sense.

In fact, in many instances it is the best parenting approach.

For example, let’s take the case of Andy.

Andy is a three year old who has just thrown himself on the floor and is kicking and shrieking and having a full-blown tantrum. There may be a number of reasons Andy is having a tantrum right now.

Perhaps he is over tired. Perhaps he wants something and just doesn’t know how to express what he wants in a more eloquent fashion.

So if, you as Andy’s mother, are an astute parent you will ignore the tantrum. At a later time when Andy is calm you can make the effort to understand what was bothering him and teach him to express himself verbally.

Do this consistently and eventually Andy will outgrow the tantrums.

But what would happen if you responded to the tantrum? What if you showed Andy that the tantrum upset your or got you to pay attention to him in a way that just talking doesn’t seem to do?

Do this often enough and Andy will realize that throwing a tantrum equals instant attention. For a child, that’s like stumbling upon a pot of gold.

Andy’s original reason for throwing the tantrum may have had nothing to do with getting your attention. But if you show Andy that tantrums are your hot button it won’t be long before he starts using this new found gold anytime he feels he is being ignored or wants more attention or just wants to get back at you.

Therefore, ignoring bad behavior is an excellent first line parenting technique and one you should always consider trying.

The problem, if you have a difficult or an Oppositional Defiant Disorder child he will just not be ignored.

He will just keep on escalating the bad behavior until it gets to the point where you can’t ignore it. He might start bopping his younger sister. He might stir up his classmates. But eventually he will find a way to make you get involved.

Ignoring the bad and focusing on the good….It’s a great parenting technique that just about everybody writes about.

The problem is…

It just doesn’t work. Not if you have an ODD or difficult child.

So, if you have an ODD or difficult child, then one thing you must definitely not do is ignore the bad behavior.

This is important for you to know. If you have an Oppositional Defiant Disorder Child or Defiant Teen and the things you are doing as a parent are not working, it is not your fault. It’s not because you are a bad parent or just don’t know what you are doing, as many people you know are quick to tell you.

The reason you are struggling with your child or teen is that they are tough to raise. Your child is much harder than most other children.

Difficult children require more expertise on your part. Just doing what works for other parents with their kids will not work for you. You need to get the information and the parenting skills that will help you with your child.

Parenting a difficult defiant child or teen doesn’t have to be hard. You just need to know what to do.

For more information on how to handle your ODD child or teen:



If your child is 2-11 go to:

The ODD Child Program



If your child is 12 and older go to:

The ODD Teen Program

Related Blogs

Many parents of ADHD children are worried about giving their children medication to treat their child’s ADHD. There are many reasons for their concern, but one of the greatest concerns is the fear that parents have that they are setting up their children to have a future drug abuse problem.

Most parents know that ADHD teens have a much higher level of drug abuse than their normal counterparts. Parents have also heard theories that taking drugs like Ritalin increases the risk of drug abuse. The idea is that routinely taking Ritalin, which is actually very similar to cocaine, will expose children to habitual drug taking and will make them more open to experimenting with hard drugs when they become teenagers.

These theories were first proposed by physicians. The ideas were later picked up and expanded upon by distributors of natural treatments for ADHD and are used to play upon the fears of parent in order to sell their ‘drug free’ alternatives.



So the question is, is there a connection with Ritalin and other stimulant medication use in children and future drug abuse problems? That is what we are going to explore in this article.



Ritalin Treatment and Future Drug Abuse



The truth is that this question has been researched and we have a very clear answer. In fact, researchers have found a very strong connection between childhood use of Ritalin and other stimulant medication to treat ADHD and the risk of future drug abuse in ADHD teenagers.



However, the results are exactly the opposite of what most parents think. Use of stimulant medication in ADHD children does not increase the risk of future drug abuse. It reduces the risk of drug abuse, and reduces it dramatically.

In 1999, a study funded by National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institute of Mental Health compared three groups of boys – those with ADHD who had been treated with stimulants, those with ADHD who had not been treated with stimulants, and those without ADHD. The researchers followed the children to determine their susceptibility to substance use disorder.

This research project was a combined effort of researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital, Harvard School of Public Health, and Harvard Medical School. The scientists divided 212 boys into three groups and followed them for several years.

The first group consisted of 56 boys with ADHD who received on the average four years of drug treatment for their ADHD. The second group was made up of 19 boys also with ADHD, but who received no drug treatment for their condition. The third group consisted of 137 boys who did not have ADHD.

When the boys were 15 or older, they were evaluated for substance abuse disorders involving alcohol, marijuana, hallucinogens, stimulants, or cocaine.

(I want to point out that there is a difference between substance abuse and a substance abuse disorder. Substance abuse is recreational use of medications. This may include inappropriate use of alcohol or other drugs. This is fairly common in our society and does not always indicate a significant problem. Our real concern is when recreational use of medication becomes a disorder. A substance abuse disorder is where the person continues to use a mood- or behavior-altering substance despite the fact that this substance causes significant problems in the person’s life.)

Results of the study were fairly dramatic. 18 percent of children without ADHD had at least one substance abuse disorder, when surveyed in their mid teens. The group of ADHD children who received medical treatment fared almost as well. Only 25 percent of that group had at least one substance abuse disorder.

However, among the ADHD children that did not receive medical treatment, 75 percent of that group had at least one substance use disorder during the follow up study.

This study suggests that if your child has ADHD and does not take medication, he is three times as likely to get seriously involved with drugs, than if he does receive medication.

Other researchers have found that the younger age that medical treatment began, the lower the risk of a future drug abuse problem.

Other Risk Factors

Other factors have been identified that predict a higher risk of future drug abuse.

Wilens found that the two biggest indicators of future substance abuse disorder in ADHD children were coexistent conduct disorder and coexistent bipolar disorder. Other researchers found that with regard to conduct disorder, IQ played a factor.

Children with conduct disorder and high IQ scores were more likely to later develop a drug problem. In contrast, in children who did not have a conduct disorder, those with a lower IQ were more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder.

Conclusion

Most parents are concerned about starting their ADHD children on stimulant medications. This is for a variety of reasons and many of these reasons are valid. However, what many of these well meaning parents fail to consider is that there are concrete risks involved with not starting their children on drug treatment. One very measurable risk is the risk of future drug involvement.

Parents must consider that the risk of future drug abuse gets larger the longer they withhold medical treatment from their children. The risk becomes three times as great when they withhold medical treatment completely from their ADHD children. If ADHD is complicated by conduct disorder or bipolar disorder there is even a greater chance of future drug abuse developing.

So if your child has ADHD it could be that giving medication may not be the best approach. But you should know that not giving medication also carries with it some danger. When you manage the ADHD treatment of your child be sure to consider all the risks before you make your decision.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD
ADD ADHD Advances